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The last time I saw her, she was wearing a beautiful white dress and white shoes. She looked like she was a bride at a wedding. Her skin was almost as white as snow and her long black hair was braided in the back. Her icy blue eyes sparkled in the moonlight. We were walking around in our favorite place in the forest. Everything was alive. The water was falling down from a cliff, the birds chirped, the flowers bloomed, and the deer pranced around. We kissed a few times and danced. It was the most magical moment of my life. But now she's gone... She disappeared mysteriously. Some say she drowned in a lake and never to be seen at the bottom of it and others say that she was kidnapped. I believe that she ran away because of her parents. She told me all the time on how they would beat her up and yell at her. I wish all the time that I can change her life into a better one. She was my life and will always be... I may not see her again but our love was true and I will never forget that nor I will forget her...
So this is a mini story that I wrote at school. My teacher had us write our own stories starting with a words like "The last time I saw her, she..." So yeah. Then I was like well why not out it onto DA! The girl is Cloud n the guy is called Lian. I didnt want to put their names on there because I just felt like i didnt want to i guess... XD Well the series Fallen inspired me. I'm only on "Passion" right now though. But it just reminds me of how Daniel wasn't able to see Luce for 17 years so yeah... I just love love stories. Well I hope that u liked it! ;D

Also... PLZ put in a critique n what I should improve. Well THX for reading this! Cya! :D


Story and characters (c) Me
Critique by SketchSr Dec 27, 2012, 7:55:12 PM
You definitely have a nice piece of writing here. However, there are multiple things bothering me within it.

The spelling is rather sloppy. I can point out a few mistakes in spelling and grammar. Especially "...a few times n danced." And and and and AND.

Aside from that, your imagery is actually pretty amazing. You are obviously very good at creating an image in your head and describing it.

As for the subject matter, this is the most cliche thing I've ever read. "I had an abused girlfriend that disappeared." Not like I've ever heard that story before.

Honestly, this would have been a much better piece in my eyes if the spelling wasn't as lazy. But keep writing; you are most definitely a good writer.
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mayadaloves87 Featured By Owner May 13, 2013
How descriptive. Bittersweet....
cloudwolfanime Featured By Owner May 14, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Thanks! :)
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Submitted on
December 6, 2012
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